
              D E V O T E E S    A N D    P A R E N T S



    What my mother went through during my teenage years! Single-handedly
maintaining the family consisting of herself, our grandmother, myself and
my sister, and pursuing her professional career in the same time, she was
always concerned about our future and worked hard to give us proper
education. "Your most important asset is knowledge," she used to say,
and so at the age of 17 I was an avid reader and learner, but had little
social skills and no friends. Then ("Finally!") a boyfriend appeared on the
scene, and I threw myself into the new experience with enthusiasm of a
neophyte who wants to taste life on his own.

    What could be more threatening to my bright future? In my mother's mind,
all the alarm systems went up, and soon I found myself under home arrest, our
meetings strictly forbidden, our mail controlled, and what not. She didn't
understand and didn't trust me. The war was long and painful. She fought
to protect her daughter; I fought, not so much for my boyfriend, but rather
for freedom of choice, without which any "bright future" had no appeal.

    At the age of 18 I met the hippies and one summer day they told me
about a Krishna farm at the other end of Poland. Curious, I went there with
them, against my mother's hysterical interdiction. Or maybe because of it?
The devotees, their dress and habits seemed weird. "I would sooner become
a Christian than that!" But I had to admit that the food was fantastic, and
the sound of the kirtana reverberated in my memory long afterwards, along
with the words of the Maha-mantra.

    I presented myself back at home three days later. By that time my mother
invented another means of bringing me back to my senses, or to the shelter
of her feet... She expelled me from home. I remember her stern figure in the
doorway and myself, standing on the stairs in my hippie dress, at midnight.
Oh, how I wanted to at least have the last word! Tell her something to which
she would find no answer! And I found: "Hare Krishna!" I blurted out and
triumphantly ran down the stairs.

    If my mother hoped that I would come back next morning, contrite and
repentant, she couldn't be more wrong. The hippies gave me shelter. Soon I
left my home town and took up university studies: psychology, because this
was where I hoped to find the meaning of life.

    For the next three years my mother tried to win me back, in vain. No
visits, no letters. When she refused to pay for my education, hoping to
bring me home in this way, I sued her at court. I grew stronger, she grew
weaker. I did have my own life at last, but the memory of her remained on
the bottom of my heart, like a thorn.

    Then one December evening, when I sat in my hostel room dejected,
reflecting on my existence which seemed to be leading nowhere, a boy appeared
in my door with a stack of books. This time everything was different. His
words made sense. I was ready.

    Once I took up the practice of Krsna consciousness, everything
gradually fell in its proper place. "I am no longer afraid of my mother!" I
discovered one day. Soon another realization came: I have reasons to
be grateful to her -- for my skills, knowledge, traits of character which she
trained. Then I first met my spiritual master; I had a wonderful talk with
him, talk in English which I knew fluently... thanks to my mother, to her
effort to pay for my private lessons, her constant urging against my
protests: "Learn it, learn, you will need it in the future!"

    How strange, after so many years, to feel grateful. I felt an inner urge
to thank her. Just go show my gratitude. Give her something. But what do I
have, to give her?? And will she not throw me down the stairs? I cooked some
halava, took my Gita, prayed to Krsna and went to see her. I felt shaky on my
legs when I rang the doorbell. She opened the door and her face broke in a
smile of joyful surprise: "Oh, do come in! You haven't been home for so long!"

    While eating the half-burned halava, as I sat there amazed and
overwhelmed, she asked: "Could you please tell me something about your
religion? Your sister told me..." She listened attentively and
appreciatively. "And I am so grateful to you for my English!"

    Now she is a friend of Krsna. She is happy to help me or other devotees.
She doesn't try anymore to dictate where I should seek happiness. I am in
awe of her love and understanding, her ability to forgive and adjust. I am
ashamed of my own immaturity and cruelty in the past. Did it have to be such
a "school of hard kicks?"

    In a way, I was lucky. My family war broke out before I took up Krsna
consciousness, and it was precisely Krsna consciousness that put an end to
it. The bone of contention was just a boyfriend, an ordinary life event --
not a foreign, obscure philosophy which makes youngsters secretly mumble
incantations to a picture of "some strange blue woman with a flute," or
announce to their parents, "You are not my mother, and I am not Johnny
anymore,"  and find their portrait on the pages of the Bhagavatam amongst
hogs, dogs, camels and asses.

    Parents are definitely a special category, but in our books we don't
find many practical guidelines on how to deal with them. We can
identify the first oppressed and misunderstood young bhakta in the person
of Prahlada Maharaja, and call his father Hiranyakasipu the pioneer of the
anticult movement, with his allies Sanda and Amarka as the first
deprogrammers - unsuccessful, like others who were to come after them. We
meet the four determined brahmacaris, the Kumaras, who boldly refused their
father Brahma when asked to beget children. Brahma got angry, but they
didn't heed, and they are praised for that. We can laugh at the attached
Daksa who cursed Narada Muni, after the sage diverted all of Daksa's sons
to the path of self-realization. In the purport, Srila Prabhupada comments
serenely, with a spark of humor: "Prajapati Daksa cursed Narada Muni by
saying that although he had the facility to travel all over the universe,
he would never be able to stay in one place. In the parampara system from
Narada Muni, I have also been cursed. I cannot stay anywhere, for I have
been cursed by the parents of my young disciples..." (SB 6.5.43 purp.).

    In the world of the Bhagavatam, right and wrong are easy to tell apart.
The supreme obligation is to give up all material ties and set off in search
of self-realization. Nobody will send the militia to bring you back home
because you happen to be a minor. Where are the happy times of Narada
and Dhruva, who could simply set out to the forest, forever forgetting all
the material attachments, eat dry leaves (no need to ask the parents for a
donation), and within days or months have darsan with the Lord? Narada's
mother, who kept him tied to herself with the knot of love, was removed from
his path by the Lord Himself as the serpent of time. Dhruva's mother went
straight to the spiritual world in a Vaikuntha airplane on the strength of
her son's wonderful spiritual achievement.

    Where in the Bhagavatam are these parents who threaten to bring preachers
to courts or who harass temple presidents with complaints? What about
locking the child in a room with a cutlet, or sending him to a psychiatrist
to convert him back to the TV, free sex and cigarettes? But on the other
hand, do we find in the Bhagavatam devotees who, after years of practice,
still fall asleep during japa and class? who steal temple money? or who join,
leaving wives and children behind "like stool", only to find a new devotee
wife in a few years? Like our parents, we have been brought up in a degraded
society. By Lord Caitanya's extraordinary mercy, we have begun the process
of devotional service even though we were not exactly on the human level.
But let us not think that we can now become saints without first becoming
humans.

    Yatra after yatra, ISKCON worldwide goes through the difficult period of
struggle with the anticult movement. This seems to be like a childhood
disease, something one has to live through in order to gain lifelong
immunity. And throughout the world, there is no country where the anticult
movement would be started by someone else than dissatisfied parents.
Because parents do care. They are attached to their children, whether the
latter consider it a curse or a blessing. As one devotee put it, "Parents
are persons. Persons have relationships with other persons. And some of
those persons are influential..."

    It would be an over-simplification to think that the reason to learn how
to deal with our parents should be merely to avoid trouble for the movement.
Pain is usually an indication that one does something wrong. Doctors have a
saying, 'The cause is more dangerous than the effect." Generalizing, one can
say that parents get angry because we don't act properly. If we improve, we
can gain more than just a cease-fire. We can develop skills and values
important for our personal development.Can our dealings with our parents
possibly have any impact on our spiritual life? How about their spiritual
life?

    How do we see our parents? As an obstacle on the path of self-
realization, to be removed? The haunting memory of our shameful past, to be
forgotten as soon as possible?

    "My dear sonny, why don't you smoke anymore? Why don't you
watch TV, have girlfriends, drink alcohol, and be normal?" -- a mother
lamented pitifully while her son pursued a career of a bold brahmacari
preacher. Years later, when he fell in love with a fixed-up brahmacarini
from his preaching team and married her, the mother welcomed the news with
tears of ecstasy: "I have been praying so much for it!"

    Or are they fallen souls heading for hell, only to be saved by our
enlightening preaching? Well, they are genuinely interested in Krsna
consciousness. In this, they differ from all the people in the street, who
are too busy to look at the book, who sweep a preacher aside with an
impatient "No time." Even if they don't manifest it, our parents do care.
At least most of them. They want to know "what this thing is all about." But
in preaching to them, we face one disillusionment after another. They are
not humble. Instead of inquiring submissively, they scrutinize our motives.
Trying to learn something about our process, they will listen to anybody but
us: to the neighbors, priests, newspapers. And if they do listen to us, they
stubbornly refuse to take our words at face value. They find everything in
them -- but Krsna consciousness. "Aha, so you want to be a social parasite,
without education, without job? How will you get money? What if you get sick?
How will you maintain your future family?" Introducing to them the idea
of Krsna's mercy seems virtually impossible.

    The parents are conditioned jivas, deeply illusioned by the
conception of being our proprietors and protectors. "One who identifies his
self as the inert body composed of mucus, bile and air, who assumes his
wife and family are permanently his own....  -- such a person is no better
than a cow or an ass," says Lord Krsna (SB 10.84.13). Nevertheless, let us
not be too quick to condemn our parents' attachment to us as maya. Srila
Prabhupada said that of all the kinds of material attachment, love of the
mother for her child is purest. It most closely resembles spiritual love,
because it is most selfless.

    Unfortunately, in our degraded age such wonderful, tender motherly love
is becoming rare. Pathologies spread, families break or live without
harmony and understanding. Still, we should not condemn our parents'
attachment to us. It may become an asset in their spiritual life. Lord
Kapila says: "Every learned man knows very well that attachment for the
material is the greatest entanglement of the spirit soul. But that same
attachment, when applied to the self-realized devotees, opens the door of
liberation."  (SB 3.25.20)

    Even though not yet self-realized, we can help our parents. Preaching
to parents is a challenge, because we preach by what we are rather by
what we say. I used to write to parents who complained about their
children's bad behavior, which they linked with Krsna consciousness:
"Devotees of Krsna are trained to become perfect gentlemen. If your child
takes Krsna consciousness seriously, you will see how he is gradually
changing for the better. If he doesn't, you should understand that he is
not serious about Krsna consciousness."

    A devotee must know how to relate to his parents on the spiritual
platform, but without violating the rules and traditions based on their
bodily relationship. We cannot use our relationships for preaching if we
are simultaneously acting to destroy them. As the parent-child relationship
is one of the closest, our preaching must be extremely personalized. To
teach those who consider themselves his teachers and superiors, a devotee
must be adorned with the symptoms of s sadhu, such as tolerance and genuine
compassion which helps him keep self-control in most trying situations. He
must know the scriptures, but he will be unable to present Krsna
consciousness convincingly unless his theoretical knowledge has already
bore the fruit of spiritual realization. He must know how to apply the
teachings according to desa-kala-patra. All these qualities of a powerful
preacher are found on the madhyama-adhikari platform. Kanistha-adhikari,
on the contrary, is distinguished by his lack of knowledge of how to relate
to devotees and others.



                 SPIRITUAL PROGRESS BEGINS WITH SRADDHA
                 ......................................

    There is no sadhu-sanga without sraddha (faith). In other words, our
parents will not accept our preaching unless they trust us. If they cannot
understand our behavior, motives, and values, they will not want to accept
what they hear from us. The difficulty is that they judge us according to
THEIR values, which may be very materialistic, and so they may see us as a
failure as long as we don't pursue material goals. To evoke sraddha in the
degraded society, Lord Caitanya had to go as far as to accept Mayavadi
sannyasa.

    It is not advisable that we compromise our basic principles or beliefs,
however there are things we can do to help develop our parents' sraddha.
Here are a few tips I have collected from various devotees during years
of counseling.

    BE RESPECTFUL

    Devotee respects all living entities, understanding that the Supreme
Lord resides in their hearts as Paramatma. Aside from that, we have special
reasons to respect our parents: raising a child requires a formidable
effort. We have an obligation to them, and before we hurry to quote
the famous "devarsi-bhutapta-nrnam-pitrnam" verse (SB 11.5.41), we should
note that it speaks about pure devotees. Those who are still materialistic,
prakrta-bhaktas, are never advised to give up carefully discharging
their social duties. This is confirmed by Srila Prabhupada in Bg. 2.38
purport, right before he quotes the abovementioned verse:

  "He who acts for his own sense gratification, either in goodness or in
  passion, is subject to the reaction, good or bad. But he who has
  completely surrendered himself in the activities of Krsna consciousness
  is no longer obliged to anyone, nor is he a debtor to anyone, as one is
  in the ordinary course of activities."

    Respecting the parents is one of the pillars of the Vedic culture. In
1966, when Brahmananda Prabhu's mother came to the temple for his initiation,
Srila Prabhupada asked his disciple to offer obeisances to her. He
encouraged temple devotees to write letters to parents regularly.

    Our parents are much older than us and they have more experience with
life. Even if they are atheists, they may have something interesting
to say. If we see them as demons, they may become demons. In psychology,
this phenomenon is called "labeling."

    And, last but not least, there is the law of karma. The way we treat our
parents now, our children will treat us in the future. Children don't do
what we say, they do what we do.

    DON'T TAKE THE POSITION OF AN AUTHORITY

    You may be eighteen or older, you may have graduated, you may have job
and even your own family. You will be considered a grown-up, mature
individual, able to "kill his own snakes," by everyone... but your parents.
As Saunaka Rsi Prabhu put it, "Your parents remember you as a helpless baby
whose napkins they used to change. This is the vision they worship." He told
a story of an 80 year old lady whose 60 year old son was a Christian priest.
Whenever they met, she nagged him: "Why don't you finally get married?"

    To evoke sraddha in your parents, you must act somehow consistently with
their image of you as their child. Taking a higher position and sermonizing
is certainly not what they expect of their child.

    "If you don't stop eating meat, do you know what you will become in your
next life? A pig!" - a devotee tried to convince his mother. She retorted
promptly: "Well, I may become a pig, but you are one already!"

    THEY WANT TO SEE YOU SAFE

    Don't show extreme callousness toward your material situation. Even if
it is a genuine dependence on Krsna on your part (Are you sure it is not
just carelessness of the youth, or a simplified neophyte understanding of
advancement?), they will take it as a symptom of immaturity. Thus they will
worry and conclude that they still have to ensure your safety -- and so they
will try to limit your freedom. Therefore if you are sick, do go see the
doctor. Make sure you eat properly. Dress properly. Sandals in winter are not
appreciated! Don't travel without tickets or engage in risky business. Don't
drop out from school, especially not from primary or secondary school.
Education does give some advantages. There are many years ahead of you to
realize it.

    You can, however, gently preach to your parents, giving them examples of
how illusory material safety is. Best if these are examples of people they
know.

    THEY WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY

    Many times one can hear parents saying, "I dreamed that my son
would become... [fill in the blanks]. He didn't. But I can see that he is
happy with what he is doing. What more can I desire?"

    You are happy in the temple, with devotees. But do you ever show
happiness, optimistic attitude when you are at home with family? Do
you ever tell them stories of happy or funny events in your devotee life?
There are always incidents so simple that even nondevotees can relate to
them. Share such stories with your parents. This is also a powerful indirect
preaching, because they hear about devotional service and become acquainted
with the topic in an easy, pleasant way. Thus they lose their fear of the
unknown.

    THEY WANT YOU TO LOVE THEM

    Every parent expects his child to show him love and gratitude. Take
time to spend with your parents, remember about their birthdays, try to
please them in various little ways. If you live away, visit them or call
regularly. If the relationship is tense, calling may be more practical.

Be firm in the basic principles of your behavior, but flexible in details.
Show understanding for their sentiments. Don't ridicule that which they
consider their holy tradition. There may be meat and alcohol on the Christmas
table, but if you don't agree to sit together with them, they will take it as
a personal insult. They will be too hurt to be able to look at the
situation from your point of view.

    My personal experience was that when I tried to be flexible and
tolerant in details, my mother would feel guilty of her sinful habits, and
she would apologize to me. Now whenever I visit her, she hides all forbidden
substances or removes them from home. This is her way of showing respect to
Krsna consciousness, and this is in itself a kind of service.

    Don't avoid bodily contact. Especially mothers tend to be sensitive in
this regard. As their little child, you used to show affection in this way,
and now your reserve ("Don't touch me, I'm a monk!") can hurt them deeply.

    One aspect of your loving response is being open to what they want to
tell you. If you visit them only to preach and take some money but never
have time to listen, how can you expect them to feel accepted by you?
We know that a devotee associates with the materialists in order to give
them spiritual knowledge. He should not let himself be dragged down to their
mental level. But preaching is an act of communication. And genuine
communication must be two-sided. It must be dialog. How would you feel if
your spiritual master limited himself to instructing you, without ever
reading your letters or hearing about your life? Maintaining mutual
relationships with people around us, including our parents, is not a waste
of time.

    If your parents are not very unfavorable, you may even try to ask their
advice sometimes ("I feel such-and-such das got offended by me, how can I
clear up the situation?"). They will feel you take them seriously and they
may surprise you with the depth of their understanding.

    THEY WANT TO BE PROUD OF YOU

    Perhaps your parents dreamed about another career for you. Still, you
may try to identify values which they wanted you to imbibe, and which are
compatible with Krsna consciousness (cleanliness? regulation? perseverance?
honesty?). Prove to them that you still accept these values, and that they
are accepted by ISKCON in general.

    My mother always wanted me to be a good student, to have higher
education, and she especially hoped I would learn to speak English well.
Therefore when I joined, I used to tell her stories of how useful my
knowledge is in my service, of other devotees studying at my university, or
how I was asked to interpret for an important guest in the temple, and so
on.


                      SOME FURTHER IMPORTANT POINTS
                      .............................

    DON'T DUMP THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FAMILY CONFLICTS ON ISKCON

    ISKCON is not legally responsible for your conflicts with the parents.
It is a misunderstanding to think that being an ISKCON member gives one the
right to treat one's family unfairly. If your involvement with ISKCON
conflicts your involvement in the family, this is your PERSONAL problem.
Solve it as best you can and take responsibility before your family members
for the solution you have chosen. Never dump the responsibility on ISKCON!
No ISKCON authority is in the right to instruct you to break off from
the family.

    Sometimes young devotees feel that running away from home and staying in
the temple will improve their Krsna consciousness and service. But such
childish, irresponsible actions bring unnecessary trouble not only to the
parents and to the devotee in case, but to the whole temple or even yatra,
which will by far overweight the value of all his service.

    "The reason my parents give me trouble is that I have joined ISKCON.
Shouldn't ISKCON give me shelter?" In most cases, family conflicts have much
deeper roots. Maybe you are a teenager searching for your place in life.
Your parents feel they are losing you, and because they are unable to accept
the fact that you are not their little child anymore, they conveniently
blame ISKCON. It is so easy to find the enemy outside. The scenario may be
more dramatic: there may have been psychological problems in your family for
many years. None of its members, including you, is ready to bring them to
the surface and work for a solution. Being a part of the problem, you may
not even be able to realize your own deeper motives in treating your family
the way you do -- no matter how many verses you qoute to authorize your
actions. Such cases require professional counseling. But in any case, the
responsibility is on you -- not on the temple president, nor on your guru,
nor on Krsna.

    TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES AND ACTIONS

    This advice, closely related witht he preceding one, puts to test our
personal maturity and integrity. It is especially important to those whose
parents are afraid that ISKCON is a sect and will do their children harm.

    Amongst devotees, we often account for our actions by referring to an
authority. "My department head told me to do it. My Guru Maharaja wants his
disciples to distribute books. I cannot drink alcohol, this is forbidden.
I cannot watch TV, devotees don't do it."

    We understand that the basis for our following the authority was our
free choice, and that we wholeheartedly agree with the instructions we follow.
But our parents may not be so sure of that. If we refer to the authority too
often, they may get an impression that we are enslaved, brainwashed, forced
to undergo austerities against our will. Therefore, when you explain your
motives, point to logic and to your free choice, not to the Vedic or ISKCON
authority. "I chant because I like it. 16 rounds a day is standard and I want
to keep it." "I have chosen to refrain from meat eating because I have become
convinced it is better for my body and mind" (give book titles, including
non-ISKCON publications). "I have to go now because I have promised to my
friend X das that we will distribute books together today." (not "I have to
go, this is my service") "Excuse me, I won't watch this film. There is so
much violence in such films." (not "Gita says it is maya") "I will not eat
meat anymore. I cannot stand the thought of slaughter." (not "only
nonhumans eat meat")

    Another thing you can do to prevent notions of brainwashing etc. is to
prove that you haven't lost criticism. If your parents criticize ISKCON and
are right, admit it. If they witnessed an incident when the devotees
treated you (or someone else) improperly, don't try to deny it. Especially
don't do it if your parents themselves were the victims. Maintaining respect
and humility, express your negative judgment of the particular action, and
inform your parents what you are going to do about it. Unfortunately,
ISKCON is not a society of paramahamsas. Don't find faults, but don't try
to create an idealized picture of our movement. Sooner or later they will
realize its falsity and lose all faith. Moreover, the same may happen to
you, because cheaters ultimately cheat themselves.

    GIVE YOUR PARENTS FREEDOM TO BE WHAT THEY WANT TO BE

    What if your parents don't respond to your preaching? You should remain
respectful. Lord Krsna Himself respects the minute independence of the
living beings.

    Even if our parents do not join ISKCON, by our preaching and good
example they may become less sinful, more religious. Maybe they will become
better Christians? There was a case in Perm when a girl joined Krsna
consciousness and her parents were so inspired by her choice that the
father decided to become a priest and the mother joined a monastery. If we
have a sectarian vision ("Either they join us or go to hell"), the parents
will sense it and resist any preaching. And they will be right, because
such attitude proves we do not know our own philosophy! Don't cross them out
("They will go to hell anyway"), but wholeheartedly give them freedom of
choice. This is not a psychotechnique. You have to work it out in your own
conscience with the help of your spiritual realization.

    BE PATIENT

    "My parents are hopeless! They will never change. What is the use of
associating with them?"

   Try to remember your own beginning steps in Krsna consciousness. Did you
accept everything at once? You were young, curious, and you wanted to
join the movement. Your parents are older, more fixed in their ways, and
above all, they didn't make a decision to join! How much longer does it
have to take for them to accept new ideas and make changes. But if you
simply keep contact with them and preach by your nice example, after some
years wonderful things may happen. Here is a story told by Kirtiraja
Prabhu, as I remember it.

    Kirtiraja Prabhu lived for many years in Sweden. He kept regular phone
contact with his mother. She never seemed favorable to his way of life.
Still he would call and simply inform her where he was and what he was
doing. At one point he was requested to go to Russia, to help the devotees.
This mission was not at all easy and safe. Before leaving, he
called his mother. "I am going to Russia," he said, anticipating her
nervous reaction. "The devotees there need help." "Oh yes, you have to go
there, carry out this mission" answered she. He was so surprised that he
exclaimed: "Aren't you afraid something may happen to me?!" "Lord Krishna
will protect you" - came the answer.

    INTROSPECT AND EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES

    Most of us are not completely pure. It is difficult to see one's own
anarthas. But judging from the absence of ecstatic symptoms, we must still
have impure motives. It is good to reflect sometimes: "Why do I want to be
in ISKCON? Is it so because I only want spiritual life? Or maybe I want to
get away from my family, school and other responsibilities. Maybe I am just
attracted by the exotic lifestyle. Or maybe the philosophy gives me a
pretext to break my personal relationships, because somehow I cannot make
them successful? Maybe I want to be a great devotee, a powerful renunciant
worshiped by the general populace? Do I preach to my parents because I want
to help them, or because I want to hurt them, in revenge for all the bad
things they are doing to me?"

    Such introspection may make you more humble and sensitive to the
others' needs. It it a condition of your self-improvement.

    SEEK QUALIFIED HELP

    The progression of Kali-yuga is marked, amongst other symptoms, by
degradation of family life. There may be problems in your family which are
impossible to solve with usual methods. Your parents may be alcoholics,
criminals, or they may have a mental disease. In such cases, seek
professional help, ideally from a senior devotee who has experience and some
education in this direction. Seeking advice of an authority is always
good. At least keep your authorities informed about the situation. If you
leave, let it be a well-thought and consulted choice.



                        CONCLUSION
                        ..........

    Home is the place from where we start our journey in life. Krsna
consciousness is the most important journey. Therefore let us be careful
about how we make first steps. Sooner or later, we leave our parents
behind. But whether we will leave them satisfied and eager to give us
blessings, or the opposite: angry, fearful, frustrated -- may have a
great impact on our journey.











if your parents criticize ISKOCN,that may be because they feel they are
losing their children. Family problems - finding the cause outside of the
family, far away from themselves.




